How Randy Stopped Phragmites (Based on How the Grinch Stole Christmas)
Every Greenough resident liked plant life a lot
But Randy who lived on the South side did not!
Randy hated Phragmites throughout all the seasons!
Now please don’t ask why. No-one quite knows the reason.
It could be because it’s invasive you see.
And they won’t let all other plant species just be!
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that these damn things just grew much too tall!
But whatever the reason, invasive or tall,
He stood on the sandy beach hating them all.
Staring down from his vantage point with a sour Randy frown
At the rhizomes that spread through the warm brown ground.
For he knew every rhizome in the ground beneath
Was busy now finding new paths through the beach.
They’re smothering other plants he snarled with a snear.
They’ll obliterate everything, that’s what I fear.
Then he growled while he felt a warm summer breeze blowing
“I must find a way to keep phragmites from growing!”
For tomorrow those phragmites will act like a leech
And they’ll suck the very life right out of the beach!
They’ll grow close together, exactly what I’m dreading
They’ll grow really fast, and those weeds will start spreading.
Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays
Welcome Shorelines! Come this way
Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays
Welcome Shorelines make our day.
Welcome, welcome, fahoo ramus
Welcome welcome ,dahoo damus
All shorelines are in our grasp
So long as we have ground to clasp.
And they’ll grow and they’ll grow! And they’ll grow grow grow!
And the more Randy thought about how phragmites grow
The more Randy thought,”I must stop this whole show!
Why for three or four years we’ve put up with it now!
I must stop phragmites from growing but how?
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
Randy got a wonderful awful idea!
“I know just what I’ll do!” As Randy’s idea grew.
“I’ll arrange a phragmites extermination crew.”
He asked about Alex, Mary, Owen and Anne
And when he had finished he had quite the clan.
He got Marg and Doug and Bonnie and Kenn
And from start to finish his team totalled ten.
‘This is stop number one,” yelled the assembled clan
As they moved towards the beach with shovels in hand.
The ground as he dug was hard not sandy
But if others could do it then so could Randy.
They got stuck only once for a minute or two
Then they went straight to their work this was fun who knew!
There were large vine like things spreading out in small rows
“These rhizomes” they said “are the first things to go”.
Then they dug rather quickly in not so nice weather
And removing phragmites became as light as a feather.
It was quarter past eight and exactly as planned
Jeremy arrived with his Catamaran.
Packed it up with garbage bags of Phragmite remains
It took quite awhile and oh what a pain.
Up the coast of Lake Huron, his sail as an emblem
He sailed back to his house with Randy to burn them.
“Pooh pooh to those plants!” Randy was happily humming
“They’re finding out now no new growth is coming”.
Sean’s just waking up! I know just what he’ll do.
His mouth will hang open a minute or two
Then Sean Liipere from Stokes Bay will cry ya hoo!
“That’s a noise,” grinned Randy “that I simply must hear”.
He paused and Randy put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the Lake
But what he heard made his limbs start to shake.
This sound wasn’t glad
Why this sound sounded bad.
Every person in Greenough heard the noise start to grow
And all that was heard was a very loud “Noooooo”.
He hadn’t stopped Phragmites from growing, they grew
Somehow or other they kept coming who knew!
And Randy, with his shovel knee deep in the sand
Stood puzzling and puzzling, “How could they still stand?”
We got rid of rhizomes, got rid of seed pods
But they rose from the water now what were the odds?
He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore
Then Randy thought of something he hadn’t before.
Maybe Phragmites he thought can’t be killed with one sting
Maybe eradication, perhaps, is a continuous thing!
And what happened then? Well, in Greenough they say
Randy’s resolve grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of conservation came through
And Randy found the strength of 10 Randy’s plus two!
And now that his heart didn’t feel quite so tight
He ran with his shovel through the bright morning light.
With a smile to his soul, he came back to the beach
Handing out shovels to those within reach.
Hey Phragmites let’s make it clear
Annihilation is what you should fear.
Eradication is quite near
We’ll get those phragmites, we’ll get them next year?
- Kevin Warkentin( Dec 20, 2016)